How assumptions can set you back in a difficult conversation

The topic of assumptions is a big one when it comes to difficult conversations. Whether we‘re aware of it or not, we make assumptions all the time. 

We make things up about people (eg, how they function, what they care or don’t care about, etc), situations (eg, what’s going to happen, what the consequences will be, etc), and more. 

These things may be right or may be wrong, but we haven’t checked that. That’s the key point. 

It’s a natural, essential human skill and bias to try and predict our world to the best of our ability based on incomplete information - ie to make assumptions. How else are we supposed to get through the day and navigate events, relationships and just about everything else? 

The problem is that a lot of our unchecked assumptions get in the way of empowered relationships. In the workplace, they become stumbling blocks on the road to powerful collaboration and high performing teams. In our private lives, they create distance between us and our loved ones.

The tricky part is to come to grips with the fact that just because we hold a belief, it doesn’t mean it’s true. This isn’t easy. But once we get there, it actually feels liberating because it opens up endless possibilities beyond what’s immediately in our awareness and helps us get unstuck. 

Take this example: the other week, I had a tense exchange with my dad that left me feeling sad. It was still bugging me a few days later and I realised I was making a lot of unhelpful assumptions I hadn’t checked: he doesn’t care that this thing we talked about is so important to me, he’s too busy to make time to talk about it more, if I bring it up he’ll react badly anyway and it will make things worse. 

Those last two assumptions were actually the most damaging ones because they were leading me to stall rather than initiate a conversation to get some clarity and closure. So I had to remind myself that whilst I was pretty convinced I was right about my assumptions, they were just that - things I made up without having checked whether they were right or wrong. As you might have guessed, it turns out I was wrong about all of them!

My tip of the day?

Start by noticing you’re making assumptions and acknowledge them for what they are. Make a list and see which ones lead you to behave in unhelpful ways. Where the relationship and/or what’s at stake matters, initiate a conversation to check your assumptions.

If they’re wrong, you’ve cleared the way for positive change. If they’re right, you’ve created an opportunity for a courageous difficult conversation about how to best move forward. Either way, you’ve just built more trust and resilience for that relationship by engaging in a courageous conversation.