How to unlock any conversation that feels stuck or off track

Imagine you just pulled a colleague aside to share some feedback about their use of inappropriate language in front of an important client. Instantly, your colleague gets defensive and within minutes the conversation has become a ping pong game of “let me tell you why I’m right”. Not only is the conversation going nowhere, on top of that, you see no way out that wouldn’t leave you both in an awkward, uncomfortable position. After all, you have to continue working together - effective immediately.

What if I told you there is a secret weapon you could use that has the power to unlock any difficult conversation that feels stuck or is going off track?

It’s an often overlooked tool that skilled communicators use in difficult conversations all the time: the process move.

Think of a game of chess where you make strategic moves to win the game. In a difficult conversation, a process move is a strategic move that moves the conversation forward, except that the ultimate goal isn’t to defeat the other person. Instead, it’s to make the conversation more productive, which means everyone wins.

So what’s a process move exactly and how does it work?

Essentially, when doing a process move, you make an observation out loud about the process of the conversation that is stuck or off track.

Say you’re in a conversation that is going in circles. If you were making a process move, you might say:

“I’m noticing that we seem to be going in circles and I wonder what we could do about that.”

That simple observation has the power to dramatically shift the conversation and get it back on track.

It gives everybody (including yourself) an opportunity to pause and focus on something more productive. Of course you might add a suggestion about what would help too, for example “Why don’t we take a few minutes to think about what we’re all hoping to achieve with this conversation and take it from there?”.

Let’s look at one more example. Imagine you’re conducting a performance review with Alex, someone you manage. You’ve just given Alex some feedback that he needs to take more initiative to be considered for a promotion. Alex’s response is to tell you his colleague Sara has been promoted recently despite not taking more initiative. You try again but Alex deflects once more by pointing the conversation to Sara. If you chose to make a process move here, you might say:

“I’m noticing that when I give you some information about how to improve, you redirect the conversation away from you. This is making it difficult to talk about the issue at stake here. If you feel you’ve been treated unfairly, I want to make sure we talk about that too, First can we explore how you could take more initiative in the future?”

Notice how, in both of these examples, you essentially step out of the conversation to make an observation about the process of the conversation itself: how it’s going and where it might need correcting. You’re not actually “in” the conversation anymore.

Process moves require three key Conflict Agility© skills:

The ability to notice that the conversation is stuck or going off track and that a process move would be useful at this specific moment.
The ability to step out of the conversation to orchestrate it. Imagine you step into the role of the conductor and the conversation is the music: you’re looking at the big picture, the patterns unfolding, the general quality of the conversation, analysing what’s getting in the way of productive dialogue, looking for what may need correcting. Just like a conductor, you then point to what you think the conversation needs more or less of.
The ability to use the right words and tone to let others know what’s needed in a skilful way. One that conveys you are wanting to foster dialogue for the greater benefit of the conversation and/or relationship (as opposed to your own agenda for example).

For sure, process moves can sound a little awkward at times because it’s just not how we normally talk. That level of transparency and observation commentary is usually not part of everyday chitchat. And of course that’s exactly why they’re so powerful and have the potential to unlock countless situations.

To get you going experimenting with process moves, here are some useful, pretty versatile process move phrases you might want to play with:

“I’m noticing that we seem to be … (e.g., going in circles, getting frustrated, …) and I wonder what we could do about that. “

“It feels like we might be having two different conversations here: you’re talking about X and I’m talking about Y. Could the common ground be Z?”

“It sounds like we’re both pretty entrenched in our positions right now and this is keeping the conversation stuck. I wonder what we could do to shift things.“

And here is one for when things have escalated already:

“This conversation isn’t going anywhere with us being so angry right now. To be honest, it’d be easier for me to keep getting worked up but I suggest we try to break this vicious cycle that is leading us nowhere. Ultimately we both want to resolve this so let’s take a break to cool off and try again when we’re feeling more able.”

Over to you: next time you find yourself in a difficult conversation that feels stuck or like it’s going off track, use one of the process moves above or make up your own. Let me know how you get on on LinkedIn!

Stay tuned for more and head over to www.schoolofconflict.com/newsletter to subscribe to make sure you don’t miss out on free tips and tools on how to better manage uncomfortable or difficult conversations.

Julie LeitzNovember 22, 2019