Clarity commands respect

Too often, when it comes to difficult conversations, we shy away from speaking our mind because we don’t have the tools to be skilful in sharing an opinion that is likely to be unpopular. As a result, we say nothing or tiptoe around the issue, leaving the other person clueless about what’s really going on for us.

We think we are doing the right thing by staying quiet or being indirect when, in fact, clarity commands respect.

I shared the idea that clarity commands respect in a talk I recently gave about how to manage difficult conversations. The context for this specific tenet was the topic of boundaries: how to set boundaries and how to respect them.

Setting boundaries starts with getting clear about what they are. It seems so obvious, right?

And yet, we rarely pause to ask ourselves what our boundaries are. That is, where the line between what we’re willing to do and what we’re not is, what behaviours - not just from others but also from ourselves - we’re willing to engage with or not.

Think checking your emails on the weekend, nodding your head during a meeting when you don’t actually agree, hearing a supposedly harmless sexist joke and saying nothing, taking on an extra project when you’re already struggling with your current workload. The list goes on.

Brené Brown says that “clear is kind”, a principle that goes hand in hand with “clarity commands respect”.

Because, and here’s the twist, it’s not just that clarity commands respect from others, it’s also that being clear with others is an act of respect towards them.

When we choose to avoid rather than to engage in difficult conversations, we are not just doing ourselves a disservice but also the other person.

Like that time you meant to tell your colleague that the way she assigns tasks to you doesn’t feel right because, after all, she’s not in charge. But you work with her day in and day out and creating tension between the two of you would not only make your life more difficult but also ultimately be counterproductive to the project you’ve been assigned together.

So you say nothing or you sugar coat it so much that the message doesn’t get through. The result? Nothing changes. Including the fact that your resentment continues to grow. And you sit there wondering how on earth she cannot know that her behaviour is unacceptable.

But the hard truth is that she cannot know because you haven’t told her.

She may not be aware that she’s crossed a line. In her mind, she’s helping out by taking charge. Meanwhile, because you’re harbouring resentment, you’re actually unintentionally damaging your relationship with her because you’ve said nothing rather than speak up.

It can feel daunting to engage in difficult conversations. It can be tempting to bury our head in the sand and choose avoidance instead.

Instead, next time you find yourself noticing that you’re not speaking up when you want to or that you’re being ambivalent and unclear, remember these words:

Clarity commands respect. And it does so in two ways:

1. Respect of your boundaries because you’ve made them clear and therefore people know where to stand.

2. Respect of others because you’re not putting them in a position where they’re supposed to read your mind to avoid damaging their relationship with you.

My invitation today is to shift your perspective on difficult conversations and experiment with seeing them as essential interactions to nurture and strengthen any relationship, especially the ones that matter the most.